Dys-FUN-ctional

The CRD (season one), #2

Ford Davenport is in way over his head with his multiple personality girlfriend. To make things worse, he and his family watched a tape left by his deceased father, leaving hints of a life that none of them knew about. Ford’s life is about to change, and not for the better. He will do whatever it takes to save his family, even losing himself. Basically…he’s F%#CKING SCREWED.

Warning: If you are looking for a sweet, sensitive book with a happily ever after, this isn’t it. It is a totally inappropriate book about a completely dysfunctional family. The F word flies free along with many other curse words. Feel free to get drunk (because the Davenports sure are!) while you’re reading it, and prepare to wet yourself laughing. If sex scenes are not your thing, this book might not be your thing. But, if you have a crazy sense of humor and like raunchy comedies - you’re in the right place. Join in on the craziness of The Crazy Rich Davenport Family.

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Chapter One

FORD

BBLLLEEEEAAAAAKKKKK!  Puke splatters on my shoes. The sour taste in my mouth makes me barf again.  BBLLLEEEEAAAAAKKKKK ! I spit out a combination of vomit and blood and inhale deeply.

I stand and wobble over to the bed of the truck. My stomach retches again when I see the smashed in face of Mr. Muscles.  He still has on the I Pooped today t-shirt and what looks like a pair of Tommy’s boots.  He must have really hated that tutu because he’s buck naked from the waist down.  Letting the tailgate down, I sit on the edge.  “What the fuck am I going to do now?” I wipe the blood from my face and watch as it spills on to my jeans.

 I killed him.  “God damnit!” I scream out and the rage is still inside me.  I might as well become that criminal my dad was afraid the Davenports would make me.  I can’t go to jail. My family is screwed up enough. This will   ripe my mom apart.

The sound of a car coming toward me as me up on my feet. It stops a few feet away and Erik barely has the car in park when he jumps out.

“Are you okay?” He runs toward me.

“What are you doing?  You’re not even old enough to drive?”

He points to the body in the bed of the truck.  “I think that’s the least of your worries.  I saw you swerve over into the woods and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen.”

“Please don’t tell me the rest of the family is headed this way?”

“No. Mom said to let you cool off and took everyone else back inside the house. I stayed out there long enough to see what direction you were going.”

“I had no idea he was out here. I swear I closed my eyes for a split second and the next thing I know, I hit him and he came flying over the truck.”  I hold my throbbing hands on my forehead.

“It was an accident,” he says and pulls my hands down and looks at the gash in my brow.  “You need stitches in that, man.”

Leaning on the tailgate, “I need to call the police.”

“You can’t do that. They’ll put you in jail for murder.  When they find out we held him captive, we’ll all be in trouble.”

“Well what the hell am I supposed to do here?”

“We have to get rid of the body.  We need Tommy, he’s great at burying things.”

“This is not one of Tommy’s squirrels we can just dispose of. It’s a body and someone will come looking for him.”

“I doubt that very seriously.  Bad guys get killed all the time and no one cares,” he shrugs.

“How would you know anything about bad guys?” I growl.

“I’m trying to help.  Let’s go get Tommy and while we are there, have Yaya stitch your head up.”  He points to the blood dripping down my face.

“Lets hide the body first.” I jump up in to the bed of the truck and Erik climbs up.  “Grab his feet,” I say as I tug at his upper body and get a grip under his arms.

“Why the fuck is he naked?” He scrunches up his face.

“I don’t know, I guess pink wasn’t his color.” We drag him to the end of the bed, laying him down.  We both jump off the tailgate and I feel a roll of nausea coming up.  I bend over and retch again.

“Maybe we should get you to the hospital. You probably have a concussion from whatever your head hit.”

“No. Give me a minute, it’ll pass.”

“Where are we going to hide him?” He looks around the area.

“Lets take him to the unmarked grave that sits beyond those trees.” I raise my head and point.  This is the same grave that Bets drew in her picture.  The one with Frankie floating above it.  “Nobody ever comes out here.”

We try to lift him off the tailgate, but Erik isn’t strong enough to hold the big guys weight and he hits the ground with a thud causing a gasp to escape from him.

“What the hell? Is he still alive? Erik trips over a root trying to get away from the body.

“No.  It was the last bit of air in his lungs. We dropped him pretty hard.”

“I’m not fucking carrying him anywhere,” he gets up and brushes off the back of his jeans.

“Just help me get him on my back and I’ll carry him.” I squat down on the ground and Erik drapes his arms over my shoulders. I stand, pulling him up with me.  I walk a few feet dragging him behind me. I squat again and hoist him up further.

“Shit!  His dick is pressed against my back!”

“Ewww, that’s gross, man,” Erik laughs.

We make it to the headstone and I drop him behind it.  A wrestling in the trees has me shoving Erik behind me.

“What the hell?”

“Shhhh.”

A few more noises and Roxy comes from behind a tree carrying something that looks like green twigs in her hand.  “What are you doing out here?” I ask, deepening my voice.

“I’m warding off the spirits that live here.” She lights the twigs and they start smoking.

“What is that shit?”

“Sage.  It helps to calm the restless souls.”

“There are none of those here, so you need to leave. This part of the property is off limits to you.”

She stops and stares at me then looks to the ground behind me.  I turn to see what’s caught her eye and the hand of Mr. Muscles is showing from behind the headstone.

Her gaze travels back up to me.  “I can feel them an now you’ve brought another one here.”

“This was an accident and trust  me when I tell you he has no soul.”

She brushes by me with her sage held in the air.  “Everyone has a soul, some have evil ones, others are restless.”  She turns to look at us once she laid eyes on him.  “Why doesn’t he have pants on? What are you two into?”

“It’s nothing like that…he was being…” I elbow Erik in the stomach to shut the hell up.

“I don’t know. When he ran out in front of my truck he wasn’t wearing any pants.”

She stands in front of me.  “I don’t care about your secrets. What I do care about is the secrets that this grave holds.” She points to the unmarked headstone.  “She will tell me eventually.”

I look at Erik and twirling a single finger around in a circle, indicating that she’s a nut job.

“You won’t tell anybody about this, right?” Erik asks.

“Not a word.”

“Let’s get out of here and go find Tommy,” Erik whispers.

We take off for Gemma’s car that Erik hijacked and put it in reverse to back out of the woods.  We make it into the driveway and the only person outside is Rye, working on the fence. He waves when he sees us.

“Park in the back, I’m betting they are all still in Dad’s office,” his words trail off.  “You can’t really think that dad killed himself to save you?”

Anger bubbles up again.  “It’s what he said, but I need to get my hands on that file and find the Strip Club.”  I jump out of the car.

“I’m going with you,” Erik is on my heels.

“You’re too young to go. You’d get us kicked out before we even walked inside.”  We tiptop up the back stairs to Daisy’s room.

“Daisy. You in there?” I quietly knock and the door creaks open.  Her big dark round eyes peek through the opening

The door flies open when she sees my face.  Oh, my God, Ford. What happened to you?”  She pulls me inside and Erik follows, closing the door behind him.

“Not so loud,” I tell her.  “I need Tommy.”

She crosses her arms over her chest.  “No.  You had me lock him down and I did. He’s not coming out because you need him.”

“It’s important, Daisy, please.”

She disappears into her bathroom and comes out with a wet wash clothe.  “Let me take care of you.” She wipes the blood off my face.

“I really need Tommy.” I take her wrist stopping her.

I can see her warring with herself as her lips move, but nothing comes out. I’m sure she’s arguing with Tommy.  “No. If you need help, you need to trust me to help you.”

I pull my hair out of frustration.  “Gah! Of all times to lock him down, now is not it!”

“Tell me what it is you need.” She taps her foot.”

“We need to get rid of a body,” Erik blurts out, “and find the strip club.”



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