Dys-FUN-ctional


The CRD (season one), #2

In the pilot for the series, you met the #Davenport clan and all their craziness.
Pick up in episode one where the pilot for the book left off.

Lucy Davenport is a Hot Mess, no doubt. She’s digging herself in deeper and deeper with the surprise announcement from her in-laws. They are demanding that she marry Cash Davenport, her deceased husbands brother. Her family will bond together to fight them, but their hilarious
dys-FUN-ctional antics will land them in trouble, maybe even in jail.

Warning: If you are looking for a sweet, sensitive book with a happily ever after, this isn’t it. It is a totally inappropriate book about a completely dysfunctional family. The F word flies free along with many other curse words. Feel free to get drunk (because the Davenports sure are!) while you’re reading it, and prepare to wet yourself laughing. If sex scenes are not your thing, this book might not be your thing. But, if you have a crazy sense of humor and like raunchy comedies - you’re in the right place. Join in on the craziness of The Crazy Rich Davenport Family.

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PREVIEW

Chapter One

Lucy

 

“Gah.” I lick my lips.  I can barely turn my head on the pillow as I smack my lips together. “My mouth is as dry as a nun’s crotch.”  What the hell did I do? I plop my face back down and consider smothering myself.

“It’s about time you woke up, but I think I’d stay clear of a nun’s crotch if I were you.”

I jump straight up in the bed to my feet.  “Tommy!  What the hell are you doing in here?” He’s sitting on the foot of the bed.

“Making sure you’re okay.”  He runs his hand through his long blonde hair as he lets out a sigh.

“Have you been up all night?” I sit crossed legged in the middle of the bed.

“No. Daisy came in to check on you a few hours ago and when you didn’t budge or even look like you were breathing, she thought you might need me.”

Placing the heels of my hands on my forehead, I apply pressure to the throbbing that already has a firm grip on my head.  “Please tell me you and I didn’t hook up again?”

“No, Mrs. D. I do have some boundaries.”

“Ha!  That would be a first.”  I climb out of bed, stripping off my clothes on the way to the shower.  I reach in and turn on the water to let it get hot.  I feel Tommy’s hands reach around and pull my hair out of my face and start braiding it.

“Do you want me to set some traps to keep the Davenports out?  They’d look good mounted next to the zombies.”

“Please, Tommy, just let me get as shower before I deal with anything related to the Davenports.”

“Okay, Mrs. D., but I’ll keep my eyes on the one downstairs.”

Cash. I had almost forgotten about him.  I step in the shower and Tommy walks to the door.  “Tommy. I could really use Daisy here today to help with the kids and I don’t want you doing anything to Cash.”  He’s not a bad guy, but I really need to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

The hot water eases the tension in my body, but my head is still strumming. The party was such a disaster. I remember everything so clearly up until the point I guzzled down a fifth of vodka.  My poor kids. I’m such a fucking disaster.  As soon as I decide to bring the old Lucy back, my in-laws strike.  Maybe the old Lucy doesn’t exist anymore. I lost her when Mark died.

“Mark. What the hell did you do?  You swore to me that things were on the up and up.”  I always suspected Daniel of being crooked, but not my husband.  He was such sweet geeky guy.  Daniel has to be lying just to get me to cave to what he wants and what he wants he to take my home away. The old Lucy maybe gone, but this Lucy is going to show them her claws.

No more drunk Lucy.

No more screwing around Lucy.

No more grieving Lucy.

And, no more using Lucy as a door mat!

I will fight them and get this family back on track.  I may have messed up last night, but I refuse to let them take our home away or bring down Mark in one of their greedy plans.

Now my blood is boiling and I need to confront Cash. I wash the soap off my body and slide back the shower door to find a towel to dry off. I slip on a pair of shorts and throw on a t-shirt and head downstairs.  My bare feet slap on the marble floor as I run down.

The doorbell rings as I hit the landing. I’m tempted to ignore it, but nobody ever rings our doorbell.  I’ll send whoever it is away and then deal with Cash.

I swing the big wooden door open and then slam it in the face of the woman I hate more than the Elizabeth. I turn the lock to keep her from barreling inside.

“Open the door Lucy!”

Even her voice is annoying as hell.  “Go away, Gretchen. I’m in no mood to deal with you!”  As I walk away, I hear a key being slide in the lock.

“What the fuck are you doing?” The door opens and she sticks her heeled foot inside blocking it from being shut.

“What the hell is Mark’s ex-wife doing here?” My mother comes out of nowhere.  It takes me a minute to recognize her without a wig on. Her grey hair is pulled up into a bun on the top of her head and she’s wearing reading glasses low on her nose.

“I have no idea, but I’m sure she’s going to tell us.”  I rock back on my bare feet and cross my arms over my chest.  “Where did you get a key to my house?”

She throws her bag on the table next to the front door and her heels click on the floor as she turns to look around the house.  “This should have been my house. If you wouldn’t have been such a whore and stole my husband you would be living in a trailer park where you belong.

“You bitch,” I grab my mother’s arm before she makes it to strangle Gretchen.

“I may be a bitch, but at least I don’t go around luring married men into bed,” she laughs.

“That’s because nobody would want your shapeless body. You’re so plastic a man would be afraid you’d crack into pieces,” my mom huffs out.

“Well, you…”

“That’s enough,” I step in between the two of them.  “You know as well as I do that Mark was forced into marrying you. He was young and didn’t know how to stand up to his parents at the time.  You never loved anything but what his money could do for you.”

She looks down her body and then back up. “He must have loved something about me, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.”

“He fucked you twice and both times you got pregnant,” my mother snaps.

“We had a good marriage until your whore of a daughter seduced him.”

“I’ll ask you one more time before I have you thrown out of this house.  How did you get a key to my house?”

“Elizabeth gave it to me.  She told me it was her house now and to drop by anytime.”

“This is not her house,” Cash’s deep voice creeps up behind me, “it’s Lucy’s.  He told his hand out.  “Give me the key, Gretchen.” He spats her name.

She holds it out like she’s going to place it in the palm of her hand and then yanks it up and places inside her silky blouse.  “I think I’ll keep it.”

“Let her have it. I’ll have the locks changed before the day is over.” I walk past her and open the front door.  Cash takes her by the elbow and escorts her out.

“This isn’t over. You’ll hear from Elizabeth’s attorney.”

“Yeah and you’ll hear my foot being shoved up your ass and coming out your ear,” my mother says as she flicks her the middle finger.

Cash slams the door before she can come back inside.

“I’ve got a mind to yank every hair out of Elizabeth’s head,” my mom is fuming mad.

“What do you know about this?” I corner Cash.

“Look, can we speak in private?” He eyes my mom.

“No you may not,” mom answers.

“Mom. It’s okay. I want to hear what he has to say that we can air all this out and get a plan of defense.”

“I don’t want him running all over you.” She steps up close to him.

“He won’t, I promise. Just please let me deal with this.”

“Okay, dear, but if you need me, I’ll be in the next room and I’ll have a hand on Tommy’s shotgun.”  She glares at Cash.  “Don’t think for one minute I’m afraid of you or the Davenports.”  She glances back over her shoulder before she disappears into the living room.

“She is one scary lady,” he says, raking his hand through his hair.

“At times, I wish I was more like her. She’s fierce and that’s one thing I admire her for.  Come on, lets go into Mark’s office.  He follows me and I shut the door behind us, knowing damn good and well that my mother already has a glass to the door with her ear firmly pressed against it.

“What is this all about?  Why are your parents insisting we get married. They don’t even like me. Why would they want their only surviving son to marry me?”

“Can we sit down,” he indicates the brown leather couch with his hand.

“You sit. I have too much pent up anger to sit down.” I start pacing the wood floor.

“All I know is that it has something to do with the two men in suits last night.”

“Was Mark doing something illegal?”

“I think my dad forced him into laundering money for them.”

I almost slip I stop pacing so quickly.  “What?”

“My dad used to work for the Romano family.”

“That name doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“The Romano family ran one of the biggest human trafficking cartel in upstate New York, where my dad was from.”

“Daniel was selling people?” I gasp.

“No. He washed the money for them. That’s how he made his money.”

“I thought Daniel’s father was wealthy.” I sit beside him with one leg drawn under me.

“He nearly lost everything gambling in one of the Romano’s casinos, that’s how my father was drug into this mess.  At first, he hated it, until he figured out how good he was at it.  He worked for them up until he retired a few years ago.  I suspect that they drug Mark into laundering money for them.  They probably held something over his head.”

I stand. “You mean someone. Me and the kids.”

“I don’t know. He may have been involved before you came along.”

“No, it’s not possible. I would have known. Wouldn’t I?” Tears burn my eyes.

“Not if he was scared to let it slip.  He stands. “I found this the other day. I had completely forgotten about it.  Mark had shipped me box right before he died. I opened it at the time, but there was only a few things from my childhood in it, so I thought.”

I open my hand and he places a key in it.  “Do you have any idea what it’s to?”

“No.  It was stuffed inside an old wooden match box that was our grandfathers.”

“We have to find out what this goes to. There has to be something in this office that holds a clue.”

The door comes crashing open and my mother catches herself before she falls over a chair.  Ford rushes in behind her.

“I don’t think you should listen to anything Uncle Cash has to say.”

I quickly stuff the key in my back pocket.  My mother stares at me, knowing I’m hiding something.

“You need to leave before I call the police.” Ford holds his cell phone in the air.

“I’m not here to hurt any of you, Ford.  I want out of this as much as you do, but until we hold the cards, we all need to play along.”

END OF PREVIEW. LINKS ABOVE TO BUY BOOK

Looking to interact with Shannyn Leah & Kelly Moore to discuss these crazy Davenports, join their Facebook group, The CRD Posse and let the shenanigans begin!