Dys-FUN-ctional

The Crd Series (season one) #3

Chaos continues in The Loon, aka Yaya. Her crazy antics land her in jail beside the man she blackmailed. The cops can’t wait to set her crazy ass free. When she gets home and finds out Lucy is in even more trouble, her not so natural motherly instinct kicks in and she sets out on a comical mission with Tommy and Pops. Hold on for the ride and learn more dark secrets of the Davenports.


Warning: If you are looking for a sweet, sensitive book with a happily ever after, this isn’t it. It is a totally inappropriate book about a completely dysfunctional family. The F word flies free along with many other curse words. Feel free to get drunk (because the Davenports sure are!) while you’re reading it, and prepare to wet yourself laughing. If sex scenes are not your thing, this book might not be your thing. But, if you have a crazy sense of humor and like raunchy comedies - you’re in the right place. Join in on the craziness of The Crazy Rich Davenport Family.

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PREVIEW

Chapter One

Yaya

“OH, FORGET WHAT I said about the ice cream, boys, this back seat smells like vomit.  Wait, there’s another smell in here too.  Pot! That’s it! I think someone’s been smoking ganja back here.  Hey, officer Doogie Howser, I’m talking to you.”  My nails rap on the metal mesh divider between the front and the back seat.  “Do you want to change seats with me? This hard, plastic back seat is very uncomfortable on my delicate lady parts.”

“I knew we should have cuffed her.”

“Pretty Boy wants to play.  I won’t put up a fight, but can I have a pair of white fuzzy handcuffs? I have this hot, white, sexy wig with feathers. They would be a perfect match and Max, that would be my hubby, would love how I look in them.  If you’re interested, Doogie, I could see if he’d be interested in a threesome.”  The clicking of my tongue has him turning in his seat to look at me.

“I’ve heard stories about you, and evidently they are all true.”

“Lies! All Lies!  I’m a good law-abiding citizen.” I rattle the divider.

“Who was your accomplice at the lake house?” Pretty Boy asks.

“I didn’t see anyone.  You must be hallucinating from smoking too much weed back here.”

Pretty Boy slams on the brakes, and my cheek crushes against the barrier.  “Oh, I see you like it rough, you sadistic little freak.”

The car door opens, and he reaches in and pulls me out, and I land firmly on his chest. Sniff, sniff, sniff. “I love the smell of a man in a crisp, clean uniform.”

He pulls his cuffs off the black belt of his pants.  “Turn around, lady.”

“Purr, I’m going to like this.” Turning around, I hold my hands behind me.  The metal bites at my wrists as he clasps them together.  “Was that your police wand or are you into the butt thing?”

“The butt thing?” Doogie asks.

“You know, balloon knot?”

“What’s a balloon knot?”

“Man, why are you playing into her nonsense?”  Pretty Boy opens the door to the jail house.

“He’s a little naive, isn’t he?  Maybe you should lock him in one of those cells of yours, and he’ll figure out what his balloon knot is.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Eleanor Miller. It’s so good to see you again.”

“Howard. How are the children?” I lean against his desk.

“The kids are well. How is Max?”

“He’s ready for that fishing trip you guys have been talking about.” I sit on the edge of his desk.  “Do you think you could do something about this mess.  These officers wrongly arrested me for breaking into the lake house.  You know, the one we go to every year that has been in the Davenport family for decades.”

“You arrested her for breaking into her family’s property?”

“We got a call that there was a break-in and she was in the house in the dark, dressed in black clothes and night vision goggles,” Doogie declares.

“I went to the lake house to plan a kinky night of sex with Max.  He likes me in all black and the steampunk look.”

Howard burst out laughing and Pretty Boy spews the Coke he was sipping.  “I think we can clear this up, gentlemen.”

“There was someone else there with her, sir.”

“Do you know he’s been smoking dope in the back seat of the police car?” I point at him.

“I was…” Howard stops him.  “Put her in the cell next to Pete, and I’ll make a few phone calls.”

“Does Pretty Boy get to frisk me?” I eye him up and down like a fresh piece of meat.

“I don’t think that will be necessary but get her out of those handcuffs.”

“Can I keep them?” I bat my eyes at Pretty Boy.

“Eleanor, quit messing with my boys.” Howard chuckles.

I know this jail house well. There are two cells that smell like antiseptic. One holding cell for men and one, well has my name carved into the concrete walls.

“Swing low, sweet chariot…” My voice carries down the empty hallway.  “Pete, Petey, Peter. How is your dear sweet wife?”

“You bitch!” He grabs on to the metal bars.

“I’m the bitch? We had a deal and you broke your end of the bargain.” Tisk, tisk, tisk.

Pretty Boy opens my cell door and locks it behind me.

“You’ve ruined my life, Eleanor, sending those pictures of the twins to my wife.”

“I believe that shriveled up thing between your legs ruined your marriage and your career.  All you had to do was keep your mouth shut.”

“How the hell did you get those pictures?” he grits out quietly.

“I have my sources.”

“This is the perfect place for you,” Gretchen Davenport’s annoying voice echoes in the room. Her six-inch slut heels click on the floor.

“They finally arrest you for being a bitch, Gretchen?” What the hell is she doing here?

“Hahaha always the funny one,” she says and has Pretty Boy open my cell. She steps inside with me.  “Seems you and one of your slutty daughter’s delinquents broke into the lake house.”

“The door was unlocked.”

“I was watching you from one of the cameras your cohort didn’t know was installed.”

“Ow, I didn’t know you were into voyeurism.  You know they have clubs for that sort of thing.”  I run my black nails through a strand of her stiff hair-sprayed locks.

“You think this is all fun and games, don’t you? You have no idea who you’re dealing with.  Daniel has signed over the lake house to Imogene.”

“What? Why would he leave it to her?” This bitch must have something on Daniel.

“Imogene is his favorite. Why wouldn’t he leave it to her?”

“What are you up to, you bleach blonde bimbo?”

“Ah tah-tah. If I were you, I’d be nice to me or I will show the video of you and your derelict grandson to the cops and he’ll be spending his teen years in juvie.”

“You want something from me.” I know a con when I see one.

“I do and when the time is right, I’ll be calling in my favor.”

She sways her plastic body over to the cell door and calls for Pretty Boy to open it.

“You may think you have the upper hand, Gretchen, but if you try to harm my family in any way, I’ll be yanking that expensive thong that’s crawling up your butt crack out of your eyeballs.”

“I just love your way with words.” She laughs.

Howard comes strolling down the hallway.  “Unlock her cell door.”

“Why does she get to go free?” Pete yells.

“Well, for one, there’s not a video of her screwing two teenage girls.”

I blow him a kiss through the bars as I walk past him a free woman.

“All the charges have been dropped, Eleanor. I called Max. He’s on his way to pick you up.”

“I’ll stop by tomorrow and drop you off some little blue pills,” I talk out of the side of my mouth.

“We’ve talked about this. You can’t bribe a policeman.”

“Oh, Howard, do you want them or not?”

He nods.


END OF PREVIEW. Pre-order links above to buy book.



Looking to interact with Shannyn Leah & Kelly Moore to discuss these crazy Davenports, join their Facebook group, The CRD Posse and let the shenanigans begin!